Episode Transcript
[00:00:06] Speaker A: Who buys a white rug for their podcast room?
Great. Oh, my gosh.
Hi, friends, it's Dana. Can you hear me? I'm a little out of practice.
My first episode back in months. How long? Probably November.
Since November. How are you doing on my set? I felt. I felt myself shout. Hold on. First. First podcast back since November. Let me catch you guys up.
Wow. A lot has happened.
The holidays for one, the new year for another. January and February or January happened. February is halfway done right now.
And I most notably, a big change for me is that I used to think that I was a person who couldn't have have kids.
And not because of the hardware, but because of the mindset. I was like, I don't think I am capable of having kids. I do not want them still. But after three weeks of traveling with my dog to five different cities in three weeks, I'm starting to think that maybe I could. Maybe I could. Because she not only was fed, but she gained weight during that time. Bad mom. But also we had a, like, national news type of level blizzard. Storm happened at that same time.
And so I'm traveling with a checked bag, a carry on dog, all of her food, all of her medicine, all of her stuff, all of my food, all of my medicine, all of my stuff. And we survived. And you know what, Dare I say we thrived.
So now I'm thinking that I have the executive function, like, the executive function skills that I didn't think that I had, and I think that I do.
So that's a big shift for me, is that now I think I could keep a child alive.
Thanks.
Thanks.
It really has been a busy couple of months. I hope you all are doing well.
The state of the world feels very tense. How are your minds? How are your feelings?
How are your actions?
This is an important question in this episode. We're going to talk a lot about feelings.
And in preparation for this episode, I was reminded at how deeply they are ingrained in my personal constitution.
The feeling of feelings, y'. All. It matters to me so very much. And this episode is important to me because it centers around that concept. Today we're talking about confidence broadly.
And I'm fascinated that I haven't already done this episode because I feel like I had done this episode. Confidence comes up in every other interview that I do, and in most of them, I usually give my little spiel, like my little take on self confidence. But recently a student of mine asked, hey, what you said today in class about self confidence? Do you have a podcast episode on that?
And I was like, I don't know. Yes. And then I texted Riley and I was like, yo, where's the self confidence episode at? I know I talk about it with a lot of guests, but do we have, like, a specific episode? She's like, let me check. No, we don't. So here we are making the self confidence episode. This subject comes up a lot when I'm teaching. It comes up a lot when I am doing movement direction or artist development work.
Usually when I ask people what they thought they would like to do different, it's not a lot, just more confidence.
Question mark.
So today we're talking about confidence. Dammit. But first, we're going to celebrate some wins today. The win that I am celebrating is that my cousin Chandra just got promoted to Colonel of the Air Force.
And I don't know very much about the hierarchy of the branches of our government and our defense wing system.
Exhibit A.
But I do know some pretty simple math. 1% of people go into the Air Force. Like 1% of Americans go into the Air Force.
1% of the 1% will ever become a colonel.
And the number of that 1% that is woman is even smaller than that. So, Chandra, you're a fucking badass. I'm so wildly proud of you. Proud to be your cousin. It was very cool to be there at the Pentagon and witness of you getting your new little accessory wing shoulder pads.
You looked fabulous sharing a photo right now.
Yeah, that's my win. My win is that my family's a badass. All of them. I love my family.
I know I'm lucky in that and don't count it often enough as a super gift that I love my family and admire them, specifically Chandra, because check out this trajectory. Really fast.
When we were young, my full sibling unit, younger brother, older sister thrown right into dance class.
Chandra, gymnastics.
Then she got too tall for gymnastics. She was clipping her little toes on the.
It's weird to me.
[00:05:39] Speaker B: Do we call them.
[00:05:40] Speaker A: Okay, those are the parallel bars. Right? But why don't we call the. Aren't they the uneven bars? No, men are parallel and those are like, side by side, like Atlantic. And then women do uneven.
Okay, so they are what they're called and it does make sense. Okay, I thought that the uneven bars were called the parallel bars, but they are parallel to each other, so I do understand that. Not parallel to the ground.
Anyways, Chandra got too tall for those spars and she was like clipping her toes. And so she started diving.
Transferred her ability to twist and spin and understand herself in Three dimensional space. Not to mention she's strong as shit and disciplined as all get out. And so went into diving.
Hugely successful in diving, but is that a career? I don't know. She and I have never talked about this, by the way, so I wonder if she thinks about her story the same way I think about her story.
Didn't become a career diver, I guess, but went into the Air Force, where she once again parlayed her skill of ability to understand herself in 360 degrees of space at great speed and velocity, twisting and spinning and diving. And I'm just like, duh. Of course, my cool gymnast diver cousin becomes a colonel of the Air Force. But not, of course, at every turn, she could have not advanced, and she did. And so, Chandra, you're my hero. You're the best.
And your kids are darn cute, and you know how to throw a party.
I drink a lot of champagne.
One thing that my family does at gatherings is physical displays of.
Okay, and we out. Good job, everybody. That's me. That's what I'm celebrating. What about you? What are you celebrating? You go.
And how's your family?
Yay.
Congratulations. I'm glad you're women.
I am glad you're winning, and I'm glad I wrapped it up because Riley reeled me in. This is a really important subject and we do need to talk about it.
I want for you to do a quick self assessment.
How confident are you right this second?
Imagine 10 out of 10 being 100% confident.
One out of 10 is, like, not so confident.
Five is, like, yeah, pretty okay. Not great.
Are you a 7? Are you 8? Are you a 4?
Are you a 0?
Where are you at on the confidence front today? I want you to think, find, and put a pin in that. All right?
Self confidence, friends. Dang it. I blew my fucking cover. Blew my whole secret.
Pretend I didn't say that.
All right. Confidence. A lot of my listeners, a lot of my students, a lot of the pop stars that I work with, a lot of the actors that I work with struggle with confidence.
And I think it's not that we're struggling with, like, the skill of being confident. I think it's that we're struggling with the concept of confidence. Like, what we think confidence is isn't what it is.
It's like thinking that dinner is only microwave dinner.
As you hear me say that, you're like, no way. And I'm like, yes. That's how I feel when I hear someone say, I am not confident. I'm like, ugh. No way. Because confidence is. This, is this thing, this thing that you guys don't know about yet because I haven't said it because I am talking about my cousin and my family and I'm. And, and I'm rusty guys, but, but I am passionate about this. So I will get to a point, I swear.
Most people think that confidence, the big balloon word that we use all the time, is the thing that we struggle with the most.
A lot of us think of that as what I call task based confidence.
My ability to pour a glass of milk at first was pretty rough. That ability to do a thing started off rough and then as I did it more often, I gained confidence at that task. It's a task based confidence that, that's what most people think of when they think of the word confidence.
Actually, it's funny, on the plane today I saw a reel of this guy standing on a, like a one wheeled skateboard holding a ring, a big wooden ring. And on that ring there was a cup, an empty cup. So he's holding the ring that has the cup on it and he's standing on the platform that's also on a wheel and he pours a glass of milk into that cup while standing on the thing into the ring. And I was like, oh my God. This reminds me of my self confidence talk because I talk about all the time. First time I poured a glass of milk, I had to use both hands and I was shaking because I was a toddler. Milk is heavy and I spilled everywhere and I cried because that's where the saying comes from. And I thought that because I spilled that I was bad at it. And it took a long time for me to get to the normal human level of pouring milk, which is where I can do it on the phone with one hand. I close the door with my foot, I wipe up the milk with my elbow. It's not an issue. I don't cry anymore. That's the level of confidence I aspire to. This guy on the skateboard, that was some other shit. But he, he was like swinging the ring and the milk wasn't even falling out of the ring. He's like, the milk's going upside down, he's spinning on the skateboard. He even puts the open milk container on the ring with the cup and does a loop de loop with that. No spills. Insane. That's crazy task based confidence that he has. What's funny though is he steps off, not to spoil the reel for you, steps off the skateboard and spills the glass of Milk, just walking like a normal human.
Task based confidence is flawed and here's why.
If you're a person in the world who seeks to do something that you have never done before and you think that you need to be confident to do it, you have an issue.
If you have never done the thing that you think you need to be confident at in order to do, task based confidence will not suffice.
Enter self confidence, the rest of the grocery store. In terms of my dinner analogy, like there is so much self confidence to be had that is not microwave dinner. Task based confidence, you guys, is a tiny, tiny slice of the confidence pie. Self confidence, in my opinion, is the rest of it and it's the good stuff.
I think when I say the word self confidence, you might also have a different idea than my idea.
I think when I say self confidence, most people think of their confidence in themselves to be able to do a certain task kind of right. Back to task based confidence again. How self confident am I that I myself can do a thing?
Dismantle. Dismantle. I think of self confidence as willingness to feel any feeling.
Let's take an audition scenario for example. Let's say that I am my 20 year old self and I have never been on a world tour and yet I find myself auditioning for a world tour in a room with 500 plus phenomenal dancers, several of whom have done this before, multiple times probably.
And I haven't. How might I possibly approach that scenario with total confidence if I've never done the thing?
The answer, my friends, is by being willing to feel my feelings.
By being willing to feel embarrassed, by making a bold choice that might fall on its face. By being willing to feel stupid. For forgetting the choreography in front of all these people I admire.
For being willing to feel admired by my peers. For being willing to feel desired by the pop star who's sitting on the other side of the table thinking, yeah, that person could fit into my camp.
Like, willing to feel all the feelings.
Looks a lot like I've done this before.
When I walk into the room willing to feel things, it looks like I've done it before. It looks like I have done whatever the audition is calling for already. Simple willingness to feel my shit.
So let me ask of you, what is the worst feeling you have ever felt for me? Top three?
Rejection.
Being misunderstood, incapable, hate, loathe entirely.
When I really get down to it, rejection to me feels like a pit in my stomach.
Being misunderstood feels like a weight in my head. It feels like a huge like wet rock on My mind hard for me to think of anything else.
Feeling incapable is like my body feeling small and weak.
Those aren't my favorite feelings. But when it comes to like sensory, like how those things actually sensory feel in my body, I would rather feel any of those three things than like fully stub my toe on the corner of a coffee table.
I will vomit just thinking of that. Like just thinking of that feeling. I hate that feeling so much. Or the moment right before you throw up when you're really sick. Oh, sign me up to feel misunderstood. Sign me up to feel rejected. Sign me up to feel unorganized. I also hate feeling like chaos.
But those are all normal range of human feeling feels that I've felt a thousand times before. I have tons of evidence that I can and will feel them and be okay.
And knowing that helps me to be willing to feel them again. Are they my favorite? No. Would I prefer others? Absolutely.
But can I feel rejected? Oh, yes. You better believe it. Olympic level gold at feeling rejected.
Incoming episode on my failure resume, which is a very important resume.
Yeah, I really think willingness to feel feelings is what self confidence is actually made of. And it looks like I've done it before.
Only because when you're willing to feel anything, you become unflappable. You are unable to be flapped. You cannot be flapped when you are willing to feel all your feelings.
So are you willing to feel your least favorite feeling? If so, then.
Or even if not?
If not, I'll ask you, what's stopping you?
What are you so afraid of in feeling that feeling? What is the worst possible thing that can happen if you feel that feeling?
And is the risk of that worth never feeling fully self confident?
If you knew you would never feel 100% self confident because you were afraid of feeling that feeling, would that help you change your mind? Would you like to feel fully self confident right now? Are you willing to feel any feeling right now?
I will ask you again.
10 out of 10.
How self confident. I asked, I asked you how confident you were earlier. Do you see what I've done? How self confident are you right now? How willing to feel any feeling are you right now?
10 out of 10?
Maybe. Maybe. Did I get you there? Did I get you with the willingness?
I'm like, I'm 100%, 10 out of 10 willing to feel feelings right now. There's not one that I can think of. Man, I do dislike so many of them, but there's not one that I can think of that would keep me from wanting to feel how great it is to be 100% willing to be 100% self confident. I invite you please, to start practicing those unwanted feelings so that you have evidence that you can and will be okay.
So that 100% self confidence is available to you right now without having any more money, without having any more skills, without having any more experience or support. Exactly as you are right now with the resume you have right now, you can have total and complete with 100% self confidence by being willing to feel your feelings.
I'll ask you this the next time your rehearsal director or teacher or coach asks you what you want to do differently next time. Or what didn't go so well and your brain offers you. I want to do it with more confidence.
Do a little self edit.
I want to do it more willing to feel my feelings. I want to try the next pass more willing to feel my shit.
Because that's what self confidence is, my friends. It's a willingness to feel feelings. But the good ones and the bad ones, right? Willing to feel desirable, willing to feel in demand, willing to feel in command. Willing to feel rich, willing to feel hot, willing to feel unflappable. That's my new latest favorite feeling. Can't be flapped.
That that my friends, is self confidence. So it's okay. Keep building your task based confidence. Keep pouring your milk to the degree in which you want to be a milk pouring master.
But please don't get it confused with self confidence.
Your ability to do things and your belief in your ability to do things because of the number of times you have done it is way less valuable.
Especially if you're interested in doing things you've never done before.
It's way less valuable to you than willingness to feel your feelings.
So that is my psa, that is my campaign, that is me lobbying for you to feel your feelings.
And if I haven't sold you on it, reach out. I would gladly. If that doesn't get you willing to feel stuff, come at me for a free coaching session.
I am serious. It's an open offer.
That is what I have for you today, my friends. My definition of self confidence and task based confidence. I hope it's useful to you, as useful as it was to me.
And I hope you get out there and keep it exceptionally funky. Be sure to follow, leave a review or rating, click the bell for notifications and I'll see you next week because we're back. The podcast is back. I'm back. I'm feeling better now. I'm less rusty. Should we start now? Should we start the podcast now.
Bye friends.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: This podcast was produced by me with the help of many Big big love to our Executive Assistant and Editor, Riley Higgins. Our Communications Manager is Fiona Small, with additional support from Ori Vajadares. Our music is by Max Winnie, logo and brand design by Bri Reitz.
[00:21:34] Speaker A: And if you're digging the podcast, leave
[00:21:36] Speaker B: a review and rating and please share. Also, if you want to connect with me and the many marvelous members of the Word that Move Me community, visit words that move me.com if you're simply curious to know more about me and the work that I do outside of this podcast, visit thedanawilson.com.
