Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:04] Yes. Hello. I'm Dana. This is Words that move me. Thank you so much for being here. I'm really stoked about this episode because it's an entirely new concept for me. I'm excited to be fleshing it out. I know that it's valuable because I need to hear it, and so there's a strong chance that you need to hear it too. I think this is a gold mine in terms of building new habits and becoming your future self. A self that you want to be and you can deliberately become. Like, be conscious of the person you're becoming. Today we're focusing on growth and transformation in terms of how you regulate your own behavior via self talk. In other words, how exactly are you getting where you're going? What are you saying to yourself that gets you there? What are the voices in your head that create change in your behavior?
[00:01:00] This is big stuff. It's. It's always important to me, but especially right now when there are so many other voices out there telling you what is possible and what is not possible.
[00:01:14] And I think it's important to be self driven right now. I'm excited to get into this episode, but first, we're going to celebrate some wins today. You guys. I am celebrating calluses. I have calluses now. That's how many dumbbells I am lifting these days. What the heck? This one's especially tough. I'm becoming a fitness type. I have calluses because I am in my fourth week of pretty, like, five days a week strength training.
[00:01:44] Wow. Thank you, Peloton. I'm not sponsored, but please go ahead and reach out. I love Peloton. My sister convinced me that I need to be in my pre, pre menopausal age. Maybe pre, pre, pre menopausal. I don't know, whatever. It's super important, especially as a woman, to be lifting heavy things, to be making strong muscles that make strong bones. And I think it's working, you guys. At least it's making strong lumps on my hands. That is happening. And my biceps, like, can you see through the fluffy sweater? That's what's going on. I'm shaking. Anyways, I'm stoked to be entering a new fitness chapter. How about you? What's going well in your world? Tell me everything out loud.
[00:02:42] Congratulations. Stoked on you. I'm so glad that you're winning. You're fucking winning out there, and that's not easy. So, okay, let's do this thing. If you are here watching, listening to this episode, I'm assuming that you're interested in personal growth. You're interested in becoming your future self, a deliberately outstanding, remarkable person.
[00:03:07] And because of the tools that I offer here on the podcast, Pat Self on Back, and the qualities of being an artist, creative type in general, you probably already have like above average awareness of your behavior, the actions and inactions of your body.
[00:03:26] You probably also have a pretty tight loop of communication between mind and body.
[00:03:33] But I'm also willing to bet that when it comes to breaking habits and like truly changing your behavior, there are areas of your life where you can't get it done, where no matter what, you can't make lasting change. You might even be spending years trying to change certain behaviors or change your results in some areas of your life, and you just can't seem to make it happen. Whether that's body or money or relationships. I think I know why. Or I'm like really starting to grasp why.
[00:04:07] I think that when it comes to transformative change, sometimes we're very, very hard on ourselves. Over critical, mean even. And that hurts so it doesn't last. We stop doing it. We don't do it forever because it's painful. And on the flip side, sometimes we're so gentle with ourselves that we can totally lack initiative, grit, determination, follow through, focus, et cetera, et cetera.
[00:04:37] And sometimes it feels good to be that gentle, but then there's no change. So that's the problem. Either we're way too hard on ourselves and that hurts so it doesn't last, or we're way too gentle with ourselves and that feels good, but there's no change.
[00:04:52] Okay, that's what we're talking about today. There are many, many thousands of tips and tricks for breaking habits. But there are really only two options when it comes to the self talk that gets it done. There's the grit perspective, the hard work, the voice of the critical coach, or there's grace. That gentle self talk, that nurturing caretaker voice.
[00:05:16] And you already know where this is headed. You know that we need both, obviously. But before we get to the how, you'll know when you need which one and how to monitor them. I just want to ask, is it just me or have you noticed that in some areas where you wish to be more rigorous, you tend to be really gentle? And in some areas where you want to be more gentle and giving and gracious, you cannot stop the voice of the critic. You cannot stop being mean to yourself. You can't stop white knuckle gripping this change. Like, I think that happens a lot. And I'm So curious about it. For example, this weight transformation body strength thing. I have tried several times in my life to be the type of person who gets jacked up about fitness and working out. I have really, really wanted weight loss or weight gain at different times of my life. But when it came to actually getting to the gym and doing the work, my brain would offer me all the reasons why I deserve to stay home. Why I should probably go easy today because tomorrow's an audition day and I don't know what's going to be asked of me, so I better be prepared or I've got this like tiny ache in my knee, so I probably shouldn't do legs today or maybe ever.
[00:06:41] Or maybe I'll just start doing that tomorrow and then tomorrow never happens. Because there's always a reason why I should take it easy.
[00:06:48] And the gentle voice cares for me, right? But it's not telling the entire truth.
[00:06:57] And then in some areas in my life where I want to be more gentle, I can't stop being tough. For example, I have this voice that tells me I should network more, I should be more savvy in my social interactions, I should be more present in social spaces. I should be rubbing elbows rather than isolating and working on my podcast alone with my friend Riley all day, every day. Or, you know, honestly, I could truly watch Lord of the Rings by myself every night, forever.
[00:07:34] That's probably not a total truth, but honestly, I just finished the Rings of Power on Amazon a few nights ago. It's the only thing I can think about anyways. Let's say my aim is to be better at networking and putting myself in more social spaces rather than isolate. But instead of gently integrating myself into that world via one on ones and like small groupings, I'll decide to white knuckle grip myself to a big community event, a battle where I beat myself up for how awkward I am, for saying the wrong thing, for wearing the wrong thing, for being the wrong kind of person. Like that happens often.
[00:08:16] I want to be structured and committed to getting these workouts done. And yet my brain offers me I should chill and vice versa. I really want to be more gentle in how I operate in groups, in how I show up for my community.
[00:08:35] I want to do that naturally and fluidly, and yet I decide that there's a way to do that and I should and I shouldn't and I should go hard and that winds up being harsh and awkward and I wind up isolating more. I'm like, what the hell? Does this not seem like a Human hardwiring error that when we ought to be more gentle, we're tough and we, when we want to be tough, we go easy. I know this isn't 100% of the time, but I notice it a lot in myself, in my coaching clients and I'm curious if, if you feel that way too. I'm sure there are reasons why it happens. There are tons of social conditioning things and neuroscience probably, but we're not going to go into that because I'm not a neuroscientist. But what I am going to help you do is identify when each of those voices leading and try to encourage you to investigate. If you want to be listening to those voices, I'll give you kind of a like a, almost a flowchart, give you an example of what those voices sound like and then I'll give you a flowchart of when you're in the moment of deciding, what do I do with these voices? If yes, then this. If no, then that. How do I proceed to get the result that I want? Do I lead with gentle? Do I lead with grit? I think that this series of questions will help you walk away with a super solid game plan for the next time you find yourself in that decision making moment. How you want to proceed, how you want to talk yourself to yourself to proceed. Okay, let's get a grip on which voice is which. I'm just giving some examples here. I think that grit or the critical coach sounds like, why don't you know better by now? Try again. You're an idiot. Get up off your ass and try again. That wasn't good enough. Other people are doing it better. You should be better by now, right? Is this familiar? This is too familiar for me. I can see how that voice can be useful at times.
[00:10:40] To get back in the game is a good thing to get off your ass is a good thing to try again is a great thing to do it better. Yeah, sure, why not? These are useful sentiments at times. It's not the worst to get back in the game. It's not the worst to tell yourself to be better.
[00:10:56] I think that my tone as I use that voice might sound like that's the villain, but I think a lot of coaches wind up being the villain because it can get results like that can be useful. But I don't think it's the only way and I certainly don't think it's the forever way.
[00:11:15] So I think it's important to put that voice on trial. So if grit says you're an idiot, do it again. I think Grace says you're doing great. You're doing so good, you can release the hard stuff. That's. That's not so useful. You know what? That's not even true. You're not an idiot. You're really smart. And you're so smart, in fact, that you. You don't really need to work this hard. You can chill.
[00:11:41] And also, I think Grace has a good sense of like, right now, Grace is probably real tight with procrastination, which says, like, do I have to do that right now? I can probably do that another time.
[00:11:56] And I think Grace is also correct in that, yeah, at times you can release that. You can do that tomorrow. No, you're not an idiot. Yeah, you can do that later. Like, Grace is right. Grace gets a lot of things right. But if you think that way all the time, you don't make progress.
[00:12:15] Bummer. Anyways, here are a couple questions you can ask yourself when you're not sure which voice to listen to.
[00:12:24] First up, does this voice remind me of someone? Maybe a parent or a sibling or an old friend or a boss who has been very judgmental in the past.
[00:12:38] In other words, do you even believe in that voice? Or is it someone else's voice that you don't care about? If it is your voice, then keep going. If it's someone else's voice, is it useful to believe in it? Or can you go ahead and release it? After you've answered that question, then you can ask, does this voice sound like someone who cares about my goals?
[00:13:05] If yes, then keep going to the second line of questioning. If no, release that. Just go ahead and release it.
[00:13:13] Next question.
[00:13:14] Will this voice get me closer to my desired result today? Like, if I follow this voice's encouragement today, will it get me closer to what I want? If yes, then continue. If not, then I would ask a follow up question.
[00:13:29] Is this voice going to be harmful to me tomorrow? If I follow this voice, will I be less well off tomorrow?
[00:13:37] And if you'll be less well off tomorrow, then I don't think you should listen to that voice.
[00:13:42] I don't know how that answer will show up for you. But if this voice gets me closer to my desired result today, if the answer is yes, then you likely ought to go for it. If the answer is no, then ask yourself, is it harmful that I do this thing today? If it's harmful, probably don't do it. If it is not harmful to you. If you are not going to be harmed by following, then you might follow the voice that helps you decide if you should listen or not. Now that you're listening, the next line of question helps you understand your motivations. In this kind of self talk, I like to ask myself, what am I afraid of will happen if I'm too gentle Right now, For example, in my fitness world, if I'm too gentle with myself, I'm afraid that I'll never ever see change.
[00:14:36] And that realization is real enough to get me off my butt to think of putting in all this work in short bursts over long periods of time. Like my whole life I've been thinking about fitness. If I work hard for my whole life, but I'm so gentle that I never see change, oh my God, I'm not willing to accept that. I want to see the change.
[00:15:00] On the flip side of that coin, what am I afraid of will happen if I'm too rigorous? I'm afraid that if I'm too rigorous, I might become like a WWE looking, super jacked bodybuilder person and my pretty dancer lines will go away.
[00:15:21] That is so unlikely. It's very unlikely that I'll get injured. Well, in my lifetime I'll get injured, but in this, in the short term fitness goal, I am afraid that I'll get injured. But I've got a pretty tight line of communication with my body and I feel my edge.
[00:15:37] So I think it's pretty unlikely that I'll get injured or become a bodybuilder. I think it's way more likely that I'm too gentle and will never see change.
[00:15:49] So based on this circumstance, my answers to those questions in this circumstance, I know I can push more. I would rather push harder because I think the thing I'm afraid of happening won't really happen. I get a lot of insight when I ask those two questions. So once I know that one's more likely than the other, I can lean into applying a little bit more in this circumstance grit because it's, you know, I don't think I'll become a bodybuilder, but whoa, can you imagine?
[00:16:21] Anyways, I hope you can see how those questions are useful. What am I afraid of happening if I go too easy? What am I afraid of happening if I go too hard? And how likely are those outcomes once you know one is more likely or not likely? How would you like to speak to yourself now? Whose voice should you listen to right now? That's huge. Then my final question for you in this moment of, of who do I listen to? What voice do I let lead? Of course, is this what Would it sound like if Grit and Grace both shared the floor in this situation? If Grit says, you look terrible, you look weak, get off your ass and get back into the gym.
[00:17:09] Really? You can't do another two sets? Come on, be my. My inner voice at the gym says, be a man, which is so fucked up. But Grace says you should probably stop now. You've done enough for today. You might take class later. You should probably chill. I think a combination of Grit and Grace in that context would sound like you've got this one more set at least. And then if you need to not go to class because you're too wrecked, you can take a break or do those two more sets and go to class just to learn what you can learn from everyone else in the room. And if you need to, you can sleep in tomorrow. I'll reschedule your morning so that you can have a slow recovery morning.
[00:17:52] Like, why are we not negotiating more between Grit and Grace? Why are we just leaning on one or the other? I think there's so much room to negotiate between those two. It takes a little creativity. Yeah, take some practice. Yeah, let's practice with my networking example.
[00:18:12] In that situation, Grit and Grace together might sound like, hey, dude, instead of pushing yourself into an uncomfortable situation where you're on the spot in front of a bunch of people, maybe at the end of this week, you could schedule yourself a small group hang or a couple one on ones. Maybe reach out now to a couple people that you know you'll want to talk to that are going to be at that big event instead of, you know, white knuckle gripping yourself into a gigantic social situation that you aren't prepared for because the only person you've been talking to for the Last month is J.R.R. tolkien or Sauron himself. It just clicked for me, you guys, that Sauron is the Lord of the Rings. Like, what?
[00:19:01] We're back. I think my bottom line for you friends is that there are more than two ways to get something done. The hard way and the gentle way. There's a thousand different versions of them working together. But our default minds in trying to make change is Grit, right? The critical coach or Grace. Go easy, nurturing caretaker. I'd like for us to take more time in questioning that dichotomy, period. Take more time in questioning. How useful is it for me to really, really push? How useful is it for me for really, really to go easy? What am I afraid of will happen if I go too hard? What's out there? What am I imagining out there? What am I afraid of happening? If I go too easy, how likely is it that either of those will happen? And then once you have answers to that, proceed with negotiating a way for grit and grace to share the floor. That, my friends, is where you create lasting change.
[00:20:04] It's when grit and grace know how to negotiate and when you know that both are useful in their own turn. It's also important to catch if if those voices are other people's voices. If you want to become the person you want to become versus the person other people you should be.
[00:20:24] Putting those voices on trial will help you know that for sure they are yours. And then you can fully, fully trust them.
[00:20:32] That is what I have for you today my friends.
[00:20:35] I'm definitely getting better at this dialogue, this negotiation, and managing whose voice is leading my decision making. The critical coach definitely has front seat a lot. I'm finding ways to bring the nurturing caretaker more into conversation. I hope that after hearing this you're finding ways to do the same. And you know what, here comes the plug.
[00:21:00] If you are interested in getting more voices involved in supporting your own, then I hope you consider joining the Words that Move Me community. We coach on decision making. We coach on goal setting, we coach on habit changing.
[00:21:16] I mean this is our at least twice a month kind of dialogue. I love having the voices of like minded people in my world cheering me on. And if you also do, go ahead and visit wordsthatmoveme.com where you can find more artist voices navigating similar challenges to your own. Yeah, if you're looking for supporting voices, if you're looking for a chorus in the movie musical of your life, I hope you consider joining the Words that Move Me Community. Words that move me.com/shop/keep it funky. Just kidding. That's. I don't know why I said that. I'm running out of words. That's it for me. Thank you very much again for being here. Be sure to like and subscribe if you aren't already following us on Instagram. That's a great way to be in touch. Let me know you're digging the pod and keep it super funky. I'll talk to you soon. This podcast was produced by me with the help of many. Big big love to our Executive Assistant and editor Riley Higgins. Our our Communications Manager is Fiona Small with additional support from Ori Vagiris. Our music is by Max Winnie, logo and brand design by Bri Reitz. And if you're digging the podcast, leave a review and rating and please share. Also, if you want to connect with me and the many marvelous members of the Words that Move Me community, visit words that move me.com if you're simply curious to know more about me and the work that I do outside of this podcast, visit thedanawilson.com.
