195. Why Resolutions are Obnoxious… and GREAT!

January 17, 2024 00:19:33
195. Why Resolutions are Obnoxious… and GREAT!
Words That Move Me with Dana Wilson
195. Why Resolutions are Obnoxious… and GREAT!

Jan 17 2024 | 00:19:33


Show Notes

We’re more than halfway into January; how are your New Year’s resolutions??? I’m not antagonizing you. I’m WITH YOU! I’ve fumbled and recovered more times than I can count, but guess what? I’m not mad at myself! I feel FLOW. I feel compassion. I feel a forward momentum that is sustainable, and I’m here to help you find it, too. This episode dives into resolutions, goals, and the one actionable step that can help you accomplish them all year long.

This episode is available to watch on youtube.


Show Notes:

Learn from Gary Imhoff

Listen to Gary’s episode 

Learn more about the Thought Model with Brooke Castillo

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Full Episode Transcript Here

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Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] A lesson that I am working to relearn myself in my resolutions and goals this year. And that is this. [00:00:11] Do we have suspenseful music or something? We should do that. [00:00:17] Hello. Hello, my friend. I hope you're doing well. I'm Dana. This is words that move me. Welcome. And welcome to a whole new season of the podcast. This is our 4th, 5th, 5th, 1st episode of some season, and it's our first episode of 2024. I sit before you comfortably clad in sweats with a red lip on which we will call high dynamic range. And that is my theme of the year. So get into it. Although it is mid January right now, as I'm saying this, and I have actually no idea when you are listening to this, it's as good a time as any to check in and ask, how is that New Year's resolution working out for you? How are you, Riz? How are your goals coming along? I'm not here to antagonize you, and I'm not trying to rob you. I'm trying to help you. Name that movie. Name that movie. Yes, that is Gandalf the Gray from the Fellowship of the Ring. Oh my God, I'm obsessed and I'm dressed in all gray. [00:01:23] Consider me Dandolf the Gray. Come on. [00:01:28] And I am here to help you with your New Year's resolution, your goals in general. But first, let's do wins. [00:01:39] I have a Lord of the Rings related win today. I think you're going to love this. Today I am celebrating a future win. I have decided to do the Smeagol versus Gollum scene from the two towers. I think it's like right at the end. Anyways, context. I love my acting class. I also love Lord of the Rings. [00:02:02] I love my acting class partially because I think my teacher Gary Imhoff might actually be a wizard or maybe an elf. Either way, I think he's the greatest thing since red lipstick. You can listen to his podcast episode right after you finish this one. Anyways, I'm not in class in acting class to heavy air quotes. Become an actor. [00:02:25] I'm in class to become a better performer and movement coach. I've always really loved working with actors and I love being around the process. I cannot think of a better way to work better with actors than by being in an acting class working with actors. I'm there to coach people in my class, but I also want to put myself in the actor's position and understand the process from their end. I was looking for a monologue I was looking for a monologue over the holiday break. Fun fact. I watch the extended edits of Lord of the Rings, the whole trilogy, every year over Christmas. Yes, that's 11 hours and 36 minutes of magic and mayhem every Christmas. Anyways, I was looking for a monologue that could be very physical and have high dynamic range, the theme of the year. By the way, I do know that that is an optics term and that I'm using it incorrectly here, and I don't care. [00:03:27] It makes sense to me. High, as in extremely dynamic. As in dynamic and range, as in, like, scope. So I was looking for something with extremely dynamic scope in terms of emotion and physicality. And as I was watching Lord of the Rings, I was like, yeah, duh. This is it. The Gollum Smeagol conflict scene monologue. It's so brilliant. And it was just right there. I had to lean in. I had to say yes. I knew it. I knew it was it. Immediately after I decided I would do it, my brain offered me, don't you dare put it down, Andy. Circus is perfect, and his version is perfect. Don't touch it. Don't even think about it. My brain also offered me, dude, nobody wants to see you do that. Nobody in your acting class cares about Lord of the Rings or smeagol or you. Just don't even think about it. Put it away. [00:04:26] But that's what my brain offered me. So I guess what I'm here trying to say is that in order to do good and improve yourself, sometimes something needs to be destroyed. [00:04:40] I don't think I'm going to destroy the scene in a bad way. [00:04:43] I'm counting this a win because I found the monologue that exactly suited my interests and needs, and I decided to do it. I started working on it. And also I started working on the thoughts, the impostor syndrome, the self doubt, all of the thoughts that are not useful in helping me improve. Okay, that's me. Now you go. What's going well in your world? [00:05:06] Bonus points if it is Lord of the Rings related. [00:05:24] All right, my friend. Congratulations. Keep crushing it. [00:05:29] I want to help you crush it so bad. We're talking about resolutions and goals, and you might be burned out on hearing people's opinions. It's mid January or whenever you're listening, so I will spare you my opinion on resolutions. [00:05:44] No, I won't. But I will make it quick and concise. [00:05:49] Number one, I just want to come out the gate and say I'm cool with anything that gets people motivated for self improvement, even if it is, quote, just a construct like New Year's or your birthday, which I realize aren't constructs, they're dates. But you know what I'm saying, even a big sale, like people make up special days and special newness so that they can sell you stuff usually. And I'm here to tell you, there's nothing really wrong with cashing in on the momentum of starting fresh and new period. There's nothing wrong with that. But is it useful? Always. Is it lasting and is it loving? [00:06:28] Not usually. [00:06:30] And here's part of the problem. Here's why. Because most people want to change the way they're behaving. Most people want new behavior because they want to change the way they're feeling. They want to feel different, so they think they need to act different. Most people try to change the way they feel by changing the way they act. And most of the time they do it with a white knuckle grip. They try to do it without changing the way they're thinking or much awareness at all of how the way they're thinking is affecting the way they feel and the way they behave. There's a woman named Brooke Castillo, and inspired by cognitive behavioral therapy and the work of Byron Katie, she created something called the thought model. She made this kind of to help people make sense of this human experience thing. [00:07:22] Listen, all models are wrong, but some models are useful. The thought model might not always be right, but it is always useful in helping me make sense of the way I think, feel and act. And using it can definitely help you get closer to the results that you want if you happen to know what results you want in your life. So I'm going to talk about it for a quick second and for a deeper dive. I really encourage you. Go check out the work of Brooke Castillo and dig into the thought model and cognitive behavioral therapy. Super useful. [00:07:53] Brooke's thought model starts with circumstances, the neutral, provable, agreeable by all facts of the world. We think thoughts about those circumstances, something like 60,000 a day. Many, many thoughts, they circulate around in our heads about the circumstances of the world. Those thoughts, which are just sentences in our heads, lead us to feel a certain way. And I don't mean feeling like nauseous or aroused. I mean feelings, as in emotions, like feeling proud, feeling happy, feeling angry, feeling capable. For example. Those feelings, those emotions which are sensations in your body, take us into action or inaction, depending on the feeling. And it is those actions and inactions that give us the results of our lives, our experience of the world. So thinking leads to the way that we feel, our feelings take us into action or inaction, and it's action and the inaction that give us our experience of our life. So it's no wonder, because actions and inactions come right before our results, our experience of the world. It's no wonder that if people want to change their results, they want to change the way they're acting. They're not wrong for that. We aren't wrong for that. But trying to change the way you're acting alone, without being aware of the way you're thinking, that's where most people go wrong. That's where most New Year's resolutions fumble and fail. So many of us think, if I could just make it through a 30 day hot yoga challenge, then I'd be happy. If I could just cross off all the remaining things on my to do list, then I'd feel accomplished. Or if I could just make x number of dollars this year, then I'd feel professional. It's just simply not that way. And I know that because I know people who've done the hot yoga challenge, quit drinking, made a lot of money, and they still feel the negative side of the spectrum. They still feel self doubt, they still feel impostor syndrome, they still get angry, they still feel incapable. [00:10:06] So let's just start from scratch, shall we? Let's start with compassion and by zooming out and looking at how our thoughts, feelings, and actions are related. [00:10:19] Again, the thought model is a tool. It's an excellent tool for making sense of the world and the way our thoughts, feelings, and actions are related to our results. Okay, here are the three problems I have with New Year's resolutions. The first is probably clear by now, which is, I don't believe that changing your behavior will change the way you feel. Clearly, I know a lot of people who have tried and done well for a time, but will still feel the unwanted side of the spectrum and feel that they have failed at their resolution because they're feeling like a human. [00:10:58] So that's number one, number two thing. And this one might be a little bit less obvious, but I'm experiencing it right now, so you probably will be as well, maybe if you engaged on a new year resolution. [00:11:15] The second reason I don't dig them is because usually modifying one behavior or eliminating one bad behavior simply means transferring it onto another. You usually wind up taking on something else, something else unwanted. Let's take a look at me, shall we? I'm focusing on not indulging in processed sugar or processed foods, period. Or alcohol. Yeah, I'm in it. And as a result. I've had three caffeinated beverages today. [00:11:48] Like, I can definitely see myself trading one bad habit for another right now. It's another reason I don't like New Year's resolutions. And then the third, which I just have to say out loud because I fucking love you, listener person. [00:12:03] The idea of a new year and a new you completely sabotages and is a disrespect to the past you that got you here, which did fantastic work. So let's keep old you, at least parts of old you who did a fantastic job at getting you here. I don't think you need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as they say, which we should not say anymore. Let's just put that away forever. Anyways, I do not subscribe to the idea that you will be more worthy of love or respect or success if you act differently now, if you do that 30 day challenge, or if you quit smoking, or if you quit drinking. [00:12:50] I don't think people who've quit a bad habit are more worthy of success or less worthy of failure, for that matter. They'll still fail. Just because they've changed a piece of their behavior doesn't mean they won't fail or they won't succeed. So I'm open to being debated here, but this is a one person podcast today, so those are my thoughts. I don't think completing a new year's resolution or goal will make you more worthy of love or respect or success or. Was there anything else that I just said? I can't remember. Classic will. Okay, moving right along. We're going to tie this up with a bow on it. Actually, I do have an offering for you today, an actionable offering. In addition to the thought model, which is a useful tool, I have a reminder, a lesson that I am working to relearn myself in my resolutions and goals this year. And that is this. [00:13:46] Do we have suspenseful music or something? We should do that. If you have a goal or resolution because you want to feel differently, take a look at the resolution and ask yourself, what do I think I'll be allowed to feel once I've completed this? What's the emotion that you're going after in trying to adjust all of this behavior? [00:14:10] What are the emotions you think you'll be allowed to feel? And what is the one specific that they're chasing? [00:14:16] Is it accomplished? Is it successful? Is it disciplined? Some of us just want to feel disciplined. Do you think you'll feel healthier if you wake up with the sun every day or stop drinking caffeine, just what is the emotion that you're going for? [00:14:35] And then once you've narrowed that down to the one word, to the one feeling, feel it now. [00:14:45] Decide on a thought that leads you to feeling that way, or at least close to feeling that way. Put it on. Sort of like you would put on a jacket or even borrow it. Like, have you ever borrowed a garment of clothing from a friend and be like, I really like the way that looks on you. Can I try that on? I really like how accomplished looks on you. Can I try that on? You can try it on and wear it all during the time that you are trying changing your behavior, which will be a start, stop, course, correct type of journey. [00:15:16] There are no bullets or boxes to check in between the way you are now and the feeling you want to feel. There's nothing you have to do other than think certain thoughts that lead you to feeling that way. No amount of action, no amount of accomplishments. [00:15:33] So I suppose what I'm offering, encouraging, suggesting, is to feel it now. Whatever it is you're waiting to feel until after you've accomplished your goal. Feel it now. You are so much bigger than your New Year's resolution. You are bigger than your to do list. You're bigger than a 30 day challenge. You're bigger than alcohol and caffeine and nicotine and all those things. Your life is full of so much more nuance and juicy good shit than this goal or this resolution. [00:16:08] That being said, I'm hugely in favor of momentum, of self improvement, of newness in general, and of giving yourself a bone to chew on, like a project to work on while we're going through this thing called life. But know that before, during, and after you've accomplished your goal, your life will be 50 50. It'll be a little bit great, it'll be a little bit shit. It'll be mostly somewhere in between. [00:16:36] And that's actually great news. [00:16:39] I don't think I would want it to be all or nothing on either of those directions. [00:16:45] Okay, that's what I have for you today, speaking of bones, to chew on this concept that if you are looking for lasting change in your life, you ought to start by making lasting and compassionate efforts to watch the way how you're thinking affects your results. I really hope this inspires you to look more into CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, Brooke Castillo's work, Byron Katie's work, and thinking about thinking in general. If it is not abundantly clear by this point, my final thoughts, my parting words are that you probably will not succeed in changing your action without giving great care to the way that you're thinking. The way that you're thinking leads to the way you're feeling, and those feelings are the fuel of your life, my friend. So pay close attention to what's going on up here. Be compassionate. Talk to yourself the way you would speak to a friend, especially while you're going through any sort of attempts to modify your own behavior. Be kind, my friends, and also be funky. And also, if you are digging the podcast now and ever before, and also in the future, I'm just really trying to tackle this thing from all fronts. All right, subscribe click the bell for notifications. I still don't know where it is down here. Thanks. Leave a review and a rating. It really does help other people find the podcast. Thank you for all my holiday love, people who left ratings and reviews on the podcast. Your words mean so very, very much to me. Thank you again and good luck with all of your goals and resolutions in 2024. I'll be keeping a high dynamic range and lot of sweatpants and red lipstick. That's it for me. Get out into the world. Keep it funky. Talk to you soon. Why all the waving though? [00:18:43] This podcast was produced by me with the help of many big big love to our executive assistant and editor, Riley Higgins. Our communications manager is Ori Vajadares. Our music is by Max Winnie, logo and brand design by Bree Reetz, thumbnails and marketing by Fiona Small. You can make your tax deductible donations towards that move me. Thanks to our fiscal sponsor, the dance resource center, and also many thanks to you. I'm so glad you're here. And if you're digging the pod, please share it. Leave a review and rating. And if you want to coach with me and the many marvelous members of the words that move me community, visit wordsthmoveme.com. If you're simply curious to know more about me and the work I do outside of this podcast, visit thedanawilson.com.

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