122. Parents Pressing Buttons

April 27, 2022 00:24:11
122. Parents Pressing Buttons
Words That Move Me with Dana Wilson
122. Parents Pressing Buttons

Apr 27 2022 | 00:24:11

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Show Notes

Y’all, I’m not gunna lie… For a 20 minute episode, this one hits HARD. If you’re a person who struggles with family dynamics, this one's for you!

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to words that move me, the podcast where movers and shakers, like you get the information and inspiration. You need to navigate your creative career with clarity and confidence. I am your host, Dana Wilson. And I move people. I am all about the tools and techniques that empower tomorrow's lead to make the work of their dreams and live a full life while doing it. So whether you're new to the game or transitioning to your next echelon of greatness, you're in the right place. Well, hello. Welcome to words that move me. I'm Dana. I'm stoked that you're here because today we are going to take a break from talking about style and self image, uh, which we've been talking about for the last like three episodes, I think, uh, yeah, today we're gonna take a break from talking about the exterior and we're gonna talk interior interior design. Speaker 0 00:00:59 Um, if you've listened to the paw odd for a while, you know that I love to talk about feelings, but I don't very often just jump in the booth and vent about my personal heartaches and the goings on of my life. Ooh <laugh> but y'all, I feel like this simply must happen right now. I feel determined to do this. I'm going to unpack and expose the ugly underbelly of my humanness today, because I am thinking that if this is going on in my life, and honestly, ironically, maybe three other whi com members have asked me for, or coaching on this subject this week. So it might be affecting you to, maybe I can help you all while I help myself. I am excited to get into this and I have no idea, honestly, what is gonna happen or how long it will take, but I'm into it. Speaker 0 00:01:59 So buckle up and let's do this, but first let's do win today. I am celebrating a safe round trip to, and from my hometown in Colorado, which you will find out in just a second is at the very heart of this episode. Um, I am actually celebrating, I'll just put a pin in it. I'm celebr spending time with my family. Uh, even though it meant picking up this cold that you are detecting in the sinus pressure of my voice. I am defenseless to those eight years and younger germs. Whatever is moving around schools in Colorado. I have, I have had no defense against that, especially when my nieces are just so cute. And I want to hug 'em and kiss 'em and squeeze 'em and share their snacks. Uh, so I got it cold, but the a the actual win, let me focus here. If I had to really give the highlight <laugh> it would probably be the moment where my four year old niece pointed out that a construction worker quote, looks like molder from the X files. <laugh> so there's that? That's my win. I love and got to spend time with my family and my family loves and spends time with the exfil. Speaker 0 00:03:30 Still. We crush it. That's what's going on in my world. Now you go, what's going well in your world. Hit. Speaker 1 00:03:50 Yay. Speaker 0 00:03:53 Congratulations, my friend. I am so glad that you're winning. Keep it up. All right. Now we're gonna get into this today. I want to talk about why it is that parents or caregivers have such a special way of pushing our buttons and how we might better care for ourselves and for them, when our buttons get pushed, I do wanna warn that this episode might be upsetting to those who are currently grieving the loss of a parent or caregiver. And I count myself very, very lucky to have both parents still alive and doing well. All right, let's do this. Shall we surely, you know what I'm talking about when I say that your parents or the people who raised you have a gift, almost like a special permission or a special skill of being able to get directly underneath your skin and not just under your skin, but like under an and into the most sensitive spots. Speaker 0 00:05:05 And in my case, anyways, usually this is something that they do without meaning to like zero intention whatsoever of doing this. No malice <laugh>, the intention is good, but the result is my skin is on fire. My throat is choked and I'm actively keeping myself from rolling my eyes because I know that that's my mother's least favorite thing. <laugh> right. The intention is good, but the result is our buttons are pushed. I'm gonna illuminate this with an example, a friend might ask, Hey a, I saw that. So and so posted a video recently, why weren't you in that? Aren't you guys tight? Like shouldn't you have been in that and you could probably answer them or at least lie to them pretty effortlessly. But when mom asks that exact same question. So and so posted a dance video on Instagram. Why aren't you in that? Speaker 0 00:06:05 Aren't you friends, shouldn't you have you shouldn't you have been in that. There is no greater inconvenience in the world than answering that question. It can feel, it can feel a lot like that is an offensive move. An offensive question. Y'all seriously. I was such a crabby Patty while I was home that a few times my mom would ask me a question and I straight up would not even answer silence stone cold SI, coming from me, the person that can talk to myself in a homemade podcast booth for hours on end, not being able to muster a few loving words for the woman that brought me into this world. <laugh> y'all I, uh, it that's, that's pretty awful, pretty passive aggressive at the very least in yikes. I am not proud, but I am so curious about why this happens and I'm determined to get to the bottom of this, because that was not the person that I wanted to be. Speaker 0 00:07:16 It was certainly not the daughter that I want to be now, before we get into why this happened to me and why this might be happening to you, I wanna give a little bit more context so that you can think of me as the monster that I truly am. So I went home to help my mom recover from a scheduled discectomy, which is a surgery on a pinched nerve. Um, and she, she had been experiencing chronic pain for a year. She decided to go ahead with the surgery. We put it on the calendar. I knew I was gonna go home and help her out. The surgery got moved. I changed my ticket. I went home to help out all was going according to plan for the most part. And now that you know that <laugh>, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, I hope she's okay. Speaker 0 00:08:08 But also you're thinking, wait, your mom had back surgery and you were that cold and cruel to your fabulous, smart, talented, witty, funny, and artistic and good looking mother at such a critical and vulnerable time in her life. How could you do that? You're a monster. <laugh>, I'm not a monster and you're not a monster. It's really actually quite simple. I think, I think we'll find together that it's simple. I'm not proud of it, but this makes sense. I'm gonna explain it as a two parter part one. You've probably heard this cliche that you are the average of the five closest people to you, meaning that your personality or your character are some combination of the personality and character of your five closest friends. Well, there is no cold, hard scientific evidence to prove that, but there is cold, hard scientific evidence that proves you are an average or rather a unique combination of your parents. Speaker 0 00:09:24 <laugh> even if the adults that raised you are not your biological parents, there is much to be said for the role of nurture in the shaping of your personnel. Now, I know that what I am about to say is not revolutionary. This is not a new idea by any means, but I think that we resist and avoid and react in a negative way to our parents and their words or actions when they are reflecting the things to us that we don't like about ourselves. When we see in them, the things we don't like about us, we react negatively or we resist them. We avoid them. We, in my case, anyways, just act like a monster, um, for when they ask, why weren't you in that video? <laugh>, we're reminded that we don't actually know why we weren't in that video. And we don't like not knowing or worse. Speaker 0 00:10:29 We we're reminded that we think we're not good enough or cool enough, or fill in the blank enough to be in that video. And we really don't like that. <affirmative> another example. They ask a basic question about our industry and we're reminded that we think we have a limited understanding of our industry and we don't like that, or they tell us, Hey, you've given it your best shot. Why don't you just come home? Which reminds us that we think we Haven given it our best shot. We haven't done enough. We haven't tried hard enough. And we don't like that on the more trivial side of the spectrum, their quote, bad driving reminds us of our impatience, which get this usually leads to bad driving <laugh>, which we don't like their quote, bad hearing reminds us that we mumble and that we don't like to repeat ourselves, which we also don't like about ourselves. Their quote, silly hobbies reminds us that we think we're overworked and we don't create time for ourselves. And the things that make us happy. Speaker 0 00:11:43 And yeah, we don't like that. So I think it's pretty natural to be reminded of the things that we don't like about ourselves. When we see little flickers or hints of those things in other people. Now, part two is even simpler. When you get to a certain age where you are past being the dependent you've, you've, you've been independent for several years. You become the caregiver to the parent or the caregiver. When those, when that, uh, support dynamic shifts at that point, they, aren't only a reminder of the things that we don't like about ourselves, but they're also a reminder of our mortality up close and personal. Speaker 0 00:12:43 You will die. You will get old, your joints will stop working the way they do. Now you will need a surgery someday. Now these are my thoughts, and this is my stuff that I'm working on here. But I think this has been exceptionally challenging for me because a, my mom and I look a lot alike. If you've met the one and only Stephanie Wilson, then you know this to be true. There is virtually no mystery about what I will look like when I'm 70. Just look at my mom. When I look at her, I see myself but gray. Speaker 0 00:13:22 And on top of that part, part two to part two, because my work, my joy and my purpose in the world is to move and be moving to dance and to help people dance. I feel exceptionally targeted. Um, when mobility, when, when moving pain free comes in question or becomes threatened by time, that's hard for me all. I don't like to think about it. I really don't. Let's for a second. May maybe, maybe we will shift our attention back to parents instead of time. <laugh> I think in, in terms of relationships, my relationship to my parents is one that I control my relationship to time, much less control over that one. So let's F for a second, just assume that parents have this magical ability, this maybe, maybe a magic mirror that shows us all the things that we don't like about ourselves. Our self-doubt, our shortcomings, our skill gaps, our knowledge gaps, our mortality, right? Speaker 0 00:14:44 They have this special mirror. What makes that mirror special? Or what makes our parents have that magic? How come nobody else has that effect on me? Is it just because I look like her? Is it because I think we share DNA, therefore I will become her. What actually makes parents so special? Why is it that you feel differently when a friend asks, why aren't you in that video? Then when a parent asks the exact same question, how come a stranger can be a shitty driver? And you can just honk your horn and move on. But when your mom doesn't see a stop sign, you like absolutely have a connection and tears form <laugh>. And why do you seek? We hate yourself in that moment. I'm thinking it's not the parent. It's not the parent that has a magic mirror or some magic ability to get under your skin. Speaker 0 00:15:47 I'm thinking it's us. That has magic, special, ridiculously high expectations of our parents. I think we all have unwritten rules about how our parents should behave. They should support my decisions. They should have confidence in me. They should offer encouraging words of support. They should offer financial support. They should understand my world, or at least ask intelligent questions about it. And they should listen to me. When I talk about it, they should know when to call me and when not to call me, they shouldn't doubt my pursuit or my ability to have a successful career. They shouldn't get sick and dam it. They shouldn't die. They should remain the hero of my life like they were when I was small forever. Speaker 0 00:16:41 Y'all <laugh> when I listed all of the things that my parents should and shouldn't do or should. And shouldn't say I actually had a really long and pretty ridiculous list. What I just mentioned was only part of it. More importantly, I certainly don't hold this same list for other people. Other people are allowed to doubt me, and that's totally fun. Other people are allowed to think that I should quit and I just keep going. <laugh> other people are allowed to not financially support me. And I am fine with that. I don't rely on strangers for me to feel supported, but because I relied on my parents' support for so long, I think sometimes it's easy to slip into thinking that me feeling supported now is their responsibility. Speaker 0 00:17:30 If I continue to hold my parents to these standards, if I continue to think that I can only feel happy or supported, if they follow these ridiculous unwritten rules for them, which by the way are also unspoken. Like I never, <laugh> never explained this to them. If I continue to think that I can only feel supported by them following my rules, I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm setting myself up for misery because no one can always be and say what I want them to. No one can always be and say what I want forever. And no one can never be, or say things that I don't want forever. It's impossible. And it's a disempowering position to put my sense of happiness or stability or, um, support and fulfillment on someone else. Here's the kicker. Y'all when we think that our parents need to behave a certain way in order for us to feel a certain way, we're likely to revert to our teenage or younger. In some cases, ways of thinking and feeling and behaving. We get annoyed. We roll our eyes. We give the silent treatment, we throw a tantrum, but y'all, if you are listening to this podcast, you are certainly grown enough to be the boss of yourself. And when I say yourself, I include your thoughts, your feelings and your behavior. Speaker 0 00:19:09 So let's clean this up real quick. Speaker 2 00:19:13 Wow. <laugh> Speaker 0 00:19:16 Our parents can remind us of the things that we don't like about ourselves. Okay, fine. I love a good project. <laugh> and I am way more likely to change myself than I am to change my parents. So, all right. Thanks mom. Thanks dad. For being the compass points directly at where I have work to do also, our parents can remind us of our mortality. I don't like it, but okay, fine. It seems to be the way that things have gone since the Dawn of time. I don't know that I have much, uh, to contribute as far as change in the, that category. So the best I can do is process my feelings of fear, grief, sadness that I can do. I can also let go of some of these unwritten rules and expectations that I have for how my P parents should behave. Speaker 0 00:20:25 I not, my parents am responsible for how I think and feel and act. I can feel supported, even if my parents don't follow my unwritten rules to the T. Oh, and one more thing. If you are feeling that your buttons have been pushed, when that red alert feeling is starting to happen in your body, take a look at those rules that you've set for your parents or for the person, um, doing the button, pushing and ask yourself, am I following my own rules? Am I supporting my decisions? Do I have confidence in me? Am I offering encouraging words of support? Am I asking intelligent questions? Am I listening? Am I doubting myself? Chances are, if that red alert feeling is going off in your body, you aren't following your own rules. So final thoughts, man. I'm glad I did this. Our parents are not a problem. Our parents not pushing our buttons. Our parents are living their human lives and unknowingly. They're pointing directly to the places where we need to manage our minds. They have cared for us for a long time and they will continue to care for us in their way, but you are no longer dependent on them for your basic needs. You can support yourself. Speaker 3 00:21:58 Whoa, Speaker 0 00:21:59 <laugh> y'all. The timing of this episode is so real. Not just because my mom is still recovering from surgery and having a tough time, but also because her seven ne birthdays in just a few days and mother's day is in a little bit more than a week. I am so glad I've done this work today so that I can show up as the daughter that I want to be for my mom today on her birthday, on mother's day and every day. And I hope that this episode helps you to be the person that you want to be in all of your relationships. I hope it helps you to support yourself. And I hope you return to it. Anytime you feel your buttons being pushed, you are at the command center. My friend, you've got this and I've got you. I'm talking to you too, mom. I know you're listening. I love you. I love all of you now. Get out there and keep it very funky. I'll talk to you soon. Bye. Speaker 0 00:23:08 This podcast was produced by me with the help of many music by max Winney logo and brand design by Bree re and a big thanks to Riley Higgins, our executive assistant and editor, and also a massive thanks to you. The mover, who is no stranger to taking action, I will not stand in the way of you taking action. I will not cannot stop you from downloading episodes or leaving a review and a rating. I cannot keep from visiting the Dana wilson.com to join our mailing list. I will not ban you for my online store for spending your hard earned money on the cool merch and awesome programs. That'll await you there. And of course, if you wanna talk with me, work with me and make moves with the rest of the words that move me community, I will 100% not stop you. Visit the Dana wilson.com to become a member and get a peek at everything else I do. That is not a weekly podcast. Keep it funky, everyone.

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